Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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