I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
