Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
