When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
