I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
