I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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