When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
