DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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