So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
