I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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