Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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