i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
