Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
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