she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
worst night to have a conscience
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
