i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
