If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
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