are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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