come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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