I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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