First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
