you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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