He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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