The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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