I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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