His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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