I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
