Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
