dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
