So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize