someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
