my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
