I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
What a fucking waste of an outfit
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
