At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
17 year olds will be the death of me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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