those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
