So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
