You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
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