how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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