Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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