....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
All the doctor said was why
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
