I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
