Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
