Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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