we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
