Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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