omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
