Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he thought i was a dude.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
