White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
