awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
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as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
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I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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