if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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