Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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