I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
